Unfortunately the couple whose wedding we attended stayed married barely one year.  Several months of that year were spent waiting on the divorce to be final.  While I will never know all of the details of either of these stories what I do know is the elderly couple didn’t just stay married because they thought they should, they were married because they were committed to each other.  Often the word commitment is overused but under practiced.  As I have evolved as a counselor there are five T’s that keep coming up that I believe are essential in the practice of commitment and lead to the success of marriage.

Teamwork –Too often individuals get married for what is in marriage for themselves not their mate.  Marriage is a team sport.  But often couples are so competitive or see their spouse as a means to an end for them.  In order to be successful at marriage you must see your spouse as your teammate.  You must have your spouses back even when you don’t like his or her game plan it is your responsibility to support his or her effort.

Time – Time helps you create and strengthen your marital bond, maintain intimacy, understand your spouse’s moods, needs, and wants.  Time helps eliminate insecurities, reduces the opportunity of outside interference, and provides opportunity for growth within the marriage.

Togetherness – Successful couples know how to keep other folks out of their personal space, make decisions in the best interest of the marriage, stand on one accord, keep the fight at home, and choose the marriage over the fight.

Trust – In marriage there are varying levels of trust including financial, emotional, sexual, and spiritual.  You may trust your spouse to be financially responsible but you may not trust him or her to take good care of your heart.  You may trust your spouse to be committed to only you sexually but may not think his or her spiritual walk is in alignment with yours.  In marriage you must have total trust in your spouse and he or she must be able to have total trust in you.  A successful marriage possesses an atmosphere of trust on all levels.

Tolerance – Change occurs in marriage within the blink of an eye.  Many times one spouse will say the other spouse has changed.  The truth is everyone changes in some form over the lifespan of a marriage.  Often those changes are good and benefit the marriage.  But sometimes those changes bring challenge.  At these times you must learn to be tolerant of the shifts in your marital partners thinking or behaving by channeling that energy in a positive direction for the marriage.

Implement the five T’s above so that you may be able to “Dance as if there is no one else in the room.

How many times have you been in a position of defending yourself for a mistake you made in the past?  Whether it was an error in judgment, a promise not kept, or a statement carelessly made that really cut deep. In some instances your actions were truly born out of selfishness because of where you were in your mental, spiritual and emotional maturity at that particular time in your life.  The people who either witnessed your behavior or who or were affected by it somehow continue to find ways to use it as a tool of punishment or manipulation.  You want to move ahead, they need to keep you standing still.

Daily I see individuals who beat themselves up over something or someone in their past.  It is amazing how we can allow one single moment in time hold up our entire lives.  I think everyone has a defining moment that became a part of their tapestry therein influencing their perception of things, the way they behave, and the way they allow others to treat them.  Learning experiences are good and require us to grow forward and grow up!  But when someone else continues to justify his or her poor treatment and behavior of you it is time that you stop them in their tracks and definitively let them know “That is what I did, not who I am and I will not under any circumstances allow YOU to hold ME hostage for something I said or did to you ten years ago.”

I want you to sit down some time within the next week and take any inventory of “WHO” you are allowing to hold you up and why. Go get a pen a paper because sometimes you get so used to someone manipulating you that we don’t even know we’re being manipulated anymore.  Thus for the purpose of mental clarity write it down.  Next write down “WHY” you are beholding to that person.  Last write down “WHEN” you plan on releasing yourself from that individual’s bondage.  This can be very tricky at times because usually the person holding you up is of significant value to your life, that’s why you are letting them hold you up.  And guess what if the person holding you up values you as much as you value them, they should be willing to release you from bondage, cancel your debt, and stamp that hold card PAID IN FULL.  If after you have acknowledged your wrong, offered a humble apology, and made commitment not to be a repeat offender; the other person continues to try to hold you hostage you simply say “Stand right there, I’ll be right back.”  Then you move on and when they are ready, they will catch up with you.  While you are moving forward make sure to ask yourself “Am I holding someone hostage?”

1. Stop labeling.  Get that idea out of your head about “Men in your age group” or “Women with college degrees.” Learn to evaluate people on an individual basis.
2. Don’t go into every single situation hoping that you are going to meet the right one.  Use dating as an opportunity to get to know yourself and the opposite sex.  Therefore when you do me the Mr. or Mrs., you will have a healthier concept on relationships than you would if you enter every dating situation hoping he or she is your soul mate.
3. Don’t go into every single situation scared that you are going to be approached by the wrong one.  Take down the wall and let the real you shine through.  If your desire is to be in a good relationship that is not likely to happened if you are always cold or suspicious.
4. Don’t be selfish.  Encourage your friends to have healthy relationships even if you can’t seem to find the right person.
5. Open yourself up to honest dialogue about why men and women are not making that connection.  Don’t turn these opportunities to dialogue in to a battle of the sexes instead turn them into opportunities to grow into the kind of mate you want to be and attract the mate you would like to have.
6. Plan or attend events where Dating, Married, Engaged and otherwise occupied folks are not allowed or not likely to be present.  Sometimes these relationships add unnecessary pressure to what should be an enjoyable evening for singles.
7. When you attend singles events don’t automatically congregate with people of the same sex.
8. If someone of the opposite sex gives you genuine feedback about your personality, hygiene, conversation, style, sense of humor or social conscientiousness; don’t get offended take him or her at their word and make the adjustment.
9. If someone of the opposite sex asks your advice on what he or she can do different to attract a mate, tell them. Don’t try to spare their feelings. Men do this a lot.  If a woman asks you a question about what may be keeping her from finding a good mate…trust that she wants an honest answer.
10. Gentlemen please ask the ladies to dance. But ladies if he does not ask you then ask him.

Hopefully these tips will help you find joyful ways to spend time with people of the opposite sex while learning something new about yourself that will help you get closer to a healthy wholesome relationship.

  It is difficult to sort through how to handle the intensity or raw emotions that arise from the sting of an affair. Now that the game is over and your player card canceled you find yourself wondering how you can salvage your marriage.  Below are seven keys that will help you unlock the doors that have been slammed shut in your marriage due to the affair

• Do not insult the injured party.  Once your spouse suspects or discovers the affair do not continue to lie about it.
• Please just answer the question.  Your spouse will have many questions.  Some uncomfortable or embarrassing.  You were bold enough to engage in the affair be bold enough to deal with the hard questions.
• Discontinue all ties with whom you are having the affair.  While this seems like a no brainer sometimes people really believe they can repair their marriage and still maintain contact with their ex-lover.  Didn’t that affair start with a mere conversation that eventually led to something far more serious? 
• Be Patient. Don’t expect your spouse to just “Move on.”  If you had an affair for four years and your spouse just found out about it last month, don’t expect him or her to get over it this month or next month either.  That’s four years of deception your spouse is dealing with, it doesn’t end just because you came clean or got caught.
• Get used to the roller coaster.  There has been a serious violation of trust therefore the battle between wanting to trust and needing to protect ensues for a long time for the spouse who has been cheated on.
• Be honest for a change. Most affairs come in the midst of a plethora of other problems that have occurred in a marriage over time.  Often these problems are never addressed or given an half hearted effort.  Thus one problem builds on top of another problem.  When you don’t ask your spouse for what you need or you ignore what your spouse is asking of you; both of you are being dishonest in your handling of your marriage.  This is the time to lay all your cards on the table about what has and has not worked for you in this marriage.
• Exercise Forgiveness- This is a two way street.  Sometimes affairs are brought about by resentment.  The party who cheats may feel resentful that it took an affair to get there spouses attention.  The party cheated on is resentful that the affair took place at all.  I recommend that daily you wake up with the intent to forgive.

An affair is hurtful but it is not the end of the world nor does it have to be the end of your marriage.  It will however take a new level of energy and commitment to get past all of the elements that led to the affair as well as the hurt from the affair itself.  The same amount of energy you used to cheat, lie, sneak and decieve will be needed to heal the wounds of the affair. 

1. If in ten years (or however long it has been) I never looked at him or her past friendship, why am I doing it now?  I doubt that your friend has made some miraculous change or dynamic shift suddenly make them marriage material.  You need to evaluate what’s really happening here.  The challenges of maintaining your moral standards, living up to someone else’s expectations for your life or simply being tired of doing everything alone can cause one to begin looking at a non prospect as a great catch.
2. Have you convinced yourself that you already know everything you need to know about the other person thus the transition to a love affair will be easy.  Think again.  Often you tell your friends “YOUR” version of what is happening in a relationship.  Thus it is easy to convince your close friends of what a great catch you are if only the people you date would recognize your value.  When you enter a romantic relationship with a person there is an automatic shift that takes place.  The person whom you love and adore as a friend could be a nightmare as a lover and you could come to find that not ALL his or her love interests were at fault for why the relationship did not work.
3. Are you prepared to totally lose the friendship should the relationship go sour?  This is a very real risk.  It can be far more painful to experience rejection from someone whom you have shared your entire life story with than with someone whom you have only allowed to see parts of yourself.  If he or she decides they are no longer interested in the relationship it only validates for you that somehow you are not loveable.

There are times when people are able to formulate a long lasting relationship and even get married after being friends for several years.  However, it doesn’t happen as frequently or smoothly as one would like to assume.  If you and your friend find yourselves attracted to each other it is best you evaluate all that you have to lose should the relationship not work.  It is probably a better idea to help each other find a good relationship than to get into a relationship with each other only to lose the friendship.  Thinking about dashing across that line where friendship ends a whole new level of love begins, call me first 73-667-4977 or email me Jackie@facetofacecounseling.com

Somewhere between my seventh bridesmaid dress and my eighth pair of ill-fitting satin shoes, I decided I had better get on with the business of taking care of myself and enjoy life on life’s terms. For some reason, my comfort level with the reality that I may never get married is at times met with a pregnant pause or blank stare from even one of my best friends. I had to finally draw the line and say to her, “I don’t stress you out about the fact that you are married, why are you stressing me out about being single?” Her lack of appreciation for my single status is reflective in many ways of how society as a whole makes it difficult for women to embrace being single.

For single Christian women, the struggle between living for God and accepting the statistical reality that marriage may not be on the radar is a daily struggle. Issues of isolation, temptation, stagnation, procreation and yes deprivation meet us around every corner. This reality is true across culture lines.

I am going to return to those bridesmaids dresses for a moment. At every fitting there was tension brought on by that one ugly acting, miserable bridesmaid. This person would find something wrong about everything from the groom to the song selection. Her self-absorption over what she was about to lose and what she had not yet gained overwhelmed her ability to be happy for the bride. As each of my friends got married, my social life changed as did many other aspects of the friendship. This sort of shift in dynamics can be very difficult for some single women, leading them to feel abandoned, isolated and rejected.

Isolation is as distressing for the divorced and widowed as well especially for those married for many years. Most married couples spend their free time interacting with other married couples. When a marriage ends, a woman is forced to redefine who she is. Not only must she face the possibility of losing some of her friends, she also faces the struggle of where to worship. If the marriage ended in a divorce, her spiritual walk is challenged by the nagging question of, “Is God displeased with my decision?” Last she must deal with the reality that if she got married when she was twenty, she is ill-equipped for the dating scene at forty.

I believe .God wants us to embrace our single status in the same manner He requires married people to honor their marriages. Both come with endless struggles. Let’s just say for a moment that my friend is correct in her assessment about my positive attitude towards being single. She states that she thinks it is a “defense mechanism”. What am I supposed to do? Cry another river? Beg someone to marry me? Allow myself to be misused and abused just to be in a relationship? I think not!

However, desperation is often in effect for the single woman who was ill-prepared for the possibility that she would be single at 25, 35 or 45. So you ask, “How does one embrace that which they do not like and are not prepared for?”

1. Accept the reality of where you are at the moment. Don’t blame God. Don’t claim a husband that’s not yours.

2. Recognize your envy issues instead of acting out towards your friends who are in committed relationships. Taking your anger and disappointment out on people you love will only alienate them, pushing you further into isolation.

3. Accept invitations to social engagements even if you think you are going to be the only single person in the room. You may just meet that one single man who decided to come.

4. Get a life. Do not live vicariously through your married friend who appears to have it all together on the surface. That marriage takes work. Go work on yourself.

5. Get out of the house. Most of singles cannot afford to have too much time on our hands. When you do, you begin to over think things and that thought process generally turns negative.

6. Pay attention to the content and tone of your conversations about men. Are they always negative? Do they mainly revolve around getting married, having children, or sex? If so, begin to change the nature of the conversation.

7. Evaluate what you watch on television and listen to on the radio. Does that song make you long for love; did that steamy sex scene tempt you to “text for sex”? If so, change the channel.

8. Know who you are. You must be able to admit to yourself when you are making decisions out of loneliness, desperation or societal pressure; rather than based on wisdom and prayer.

9. Clean out your closet. If you are someone who keeps in touch with ex-boyfriends, their families you may need to release those security blankets that stand as barriers between you and your future. Do an inventory and ask yourself honestly what you are holding on to.

10. Find a church home where being single is not looked upon as the plague.

While these ten keys will certainly assist you in embracing your singleness, your efforts are in vain if you do not believe in your heart that your strength to endure lies in the power of the Lord. In Philippians 4:12 the Apostle Paul says “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.” The operative word here is “learned.” As single Christian women we are to be like Paul and learn how to be content while remaining hopeful. That state of contentment will allow us to enjoy life more fully and value ourselves as a wonderful woman of God.

Do you desire to be more at peace with your singleness at least in the mean time? If so give me a call at 713-667-4977

• First stop all the comparisons.  By time you are finished measuring yourselves up against one couple after another you will be a compilation of mess displaying to the entire world your identity crisis.
• Think of your mate as an individual instead of a part of a gender group. What attracts you to him or her in terms of personality, character, physical attraction and style?   Make it a practice not to generalize what “all men do” or “what a woman should do.”
• Get to know yourself.  We spend so much time trying to figure out how to fit into this mad world that we don’t even know what is in our own heart.  If you don’t know yourself, your mate will not know you either. Thus may continue attempting to fit you into a suit or dress that is simply not your size.
• Determine how your individual strengths and weaknesses work together to create harmony in the relationship.
• Last continue to work steps 1-4 as often as need be until you are certain that each time you walk out the door you are not tempted to change the rhythm of your dance.

I believe couples should be in a continuous growth process throughout the life of their marriage.  It is healthy to be in the company of other positive married couples whom you admire.  Maybe there are even pointers that you can draw own.  We learn all things through observation of and   listening to others.  But learning from and imitating are very different actions that will yield very different results.  No man wants to continuously be compared to his father-in-law and no woman wants to be continuously compared to her husband’s best friend wife. As a couple determine that if a rhythm is to be imitated it will be your own and not that of another couple.

* If for some reason you need some neutral support on how to effective establish your own identity give me a call 713.667-.4977 or email  jackie@facetofacecounseling.com.

• Be goal specific – Separation should be entered into with a desired goal such as having a better marriage, obtaining better communication skills, forgiving of transgressions, rebuilding trust.
• Be time limited – Separation is not supposed to last forever.  A good time frame for separation is 3-6 months.  In extreme circumstances where there has been a lot of abuse or multiple affairs a 12 month separation may be necessary to give time for wounds to heal, behaviors to change and trust to be restored.
• Meet the needs of the married couple- Decide how to balance the finances, care for the children, and have time to go to counseling, meet with your pastor, and have time together to work on differences.  Just because you are living in two different households doesn’t mean you have no obligations to each other.  As long as you have a license you are still bond to your marital responsibilities.
• Provide clarity- Often when two people are under the same roof it is difficult for them to really listen to the other person.  Time away allows each spouse to really have mental and emotional space to process what has happened.  It is also an opportunity to lay the proper foundation for the marriage to ensure future success.
• Bring Resolution- The same fight keeps ensuing because no one wants to back down or admit their role in a bad situation.  Separation is intended to bring resolution and stop the fight. Communication needs to be positive in that the problem is identified and mutually agreed upon to how to eliminate a future re-occurrence of the same situation.
• Start a New Beginning- When you goal is to reunite.  Your focus should be on a new beginning.  Thus you will have to learn new ways of communicating, interacting and establish a healthier thought process about your mate.  Never return to the actions or behaviors that led to the separation in the first place.

Separation should be the last resort before divorce court.  But it should definitely be a step in the process before deciding to get a divorce.  The rewards of separation can far out number the pains of divorce if handled responsibly by both spouses.  If you need help at this stage of your marital process give me a call at 713-667-4977 I’ll be happy to help you get your marriage back on track.